sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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