So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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