Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
