everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
