Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
