I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
