So drunk its hurt
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize