When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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