i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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