I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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