Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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