he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
