What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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