Define "chronic" masturbator.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
