I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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