he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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