I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
