Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
