i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
