She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
