I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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