did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
