i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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