dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
