I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
