So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
