she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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