I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
