Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
