I love black thongs
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
