So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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