piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
