We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
