This is not my ceiling
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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