Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize