The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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