end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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