So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
