dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
