I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
