headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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