Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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