I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
