You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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