They should really pass out barf bags in church
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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