My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize