Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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