It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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