Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
