Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize