i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Are we still banned from the library?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
