I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
