Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize