Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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