Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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