So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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