Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
