Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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