I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
