He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
