You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
