all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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